Secrets Of A Happy Marriage
|
My husband and I have a perfect marriage.
There. I said it.
Now some of you may be inclined to roll your eyes or gag. Some of you may think I'm exaggerating, lying or suffering from some delusion. Some of you may feel like I'm bragging or insensitively flaunting my happiness in total disregard of all of those folks who don't have a partner or unconditional love in their lives.
In the past, I would have succumbed to the pressure, and believe me, it IS pressure, to keep my big mouth shut when I would hear folks talk about marriage, or the opposite sex. Regardless of whether I was sitting in the therapist chair talking to clients, on the phone coaching someone or sitting across from a friend at lunch, whenever the topic of marriage came up it I'd hear the litany, "We fight like everyone else." "It's never perfect." and the half-statements delivered with an eye roll and knowing glance, "You know...men...", "You know...women..."
Let's face it. No marriage is perfect!
When I was younger, if I voiced my objection to these sweeping statements, "Well, actually we don't fight." "My husband isn't like that at all." I would be met with, "How long have you been married?" "Five years." Then the smirk, "Oh, you're still babies...just you wait." Or if they would concede that we did have a good marriage it was always disregarded with comments like, "Well, you're LUCKY." And, many times I would be told outright, "I don't want to hear about your happy marriage. I'm married to a jerk."
So, you hear this enough and you learn to keep your trap shut.
Then, in a group last year, in the midst of a huge discussion about the perils and pitfalls of marriage one of the group members said,
"I think good marriages are an urban myth."
I just couldn't let that go.
The FACT is, 13 years in, our marriage is getting better every year. It isn't blind luck and it certainly wasn't beginner's luck, this being a second marriage for both of us. It breaks my heart to see so many bad marriages out there. It really does. A true marriage is an amazing and beautiful bond. (I do include same sex relationships here, despite my earlier reference to the "opposite sex".) Because we have so very few models of healthy marriages out there, I'd like to share what I have come to appreciate and understand about what makes a marriage work in the hope that some nugget will help you establish, create or strengthen your own bond.
1. 'Til death do us part. WOW. Do people even promise that anymore? You can't promise this AND get a pre-nup. I'm sorry if I'm offending everyone out there, but I think entering into a marriage with an exit clause is destructive and dangerous. Nothing you could say will change my mind on this so hang on to those e-mails. The reality is TRUST is critical in a marriage. You can't trust someone AND ask for a dissolution agreement 'just in case'. If you need that, one or both of you is holding back or is seeing something that you should be paying attention to but are trying to ignore. Yes, many people have been horribly hurt and feel they need to protect themselves from future risk as a result. Exactly. You are entering in to a relationship with someone you fundamentally do not trust. If I'm in a partnership with someone that may well see me through illness and death, I want to know they are up for that. I need to know that they are capable of loving me even when it's painful.
Paul Simon says it this way in "Look at That":
Ask somebody to love you takes a lot of nerve.Ask somebody to love you,you've got a lot of nerve.
I couldn't agree more. Think about what you are agreeing to when you enter in to a marriage. I didn't the first time. I'm older and wiser now. I get it. So does my husband.
2. You are married to/marrying an individual. A finite individual. An evolving individual. An individual put on this earth to do certain things, learn certain things.
The reality is your partner is going to change. This is simply a fact. And it is a fact that each INDIVIDUAL has to figure out for themselves what this life is going to mean to them and how they want to walk their path. You have to get your ego out of the way and love your partner through their evolution. It is NOT your partner's responsibility to stagnate because you fear change. It is NOT your partner's responsibility to stay locked in a life situation (say, a miserable job) to maintain your status quo.
Once again I have to give it up for Paul Simon, in his most excellent CD, "You're The One":
Nature gives up shapeless shapes Clouds and waves and flame But human expectation is that love remains the same And when it doesn't we point our fingers and blame blame blame
This whole evolution thing is one that I have really come to appreciate in thelast 5 years. When I changed my career I put myself on a path that acceleratedmy own personal evolution beyond anything I had ever experienced. And it scared me silly. I was one of those folks who feared growing apart from my husband. I didn't know how he would deal with my changing. In my first marriage my husband was overtly resistant to my growth and change, a predominant factor leading to our divorce. In fact, I have heard MANY stories of similar situations in other marriages...including threats of divorce when one or the other spouse showed signs of becoming too strong or too successful.
The reality for me now is that my husband is incredibly secure and confident and master of his own ship. And he expects me to be master of mine. He didn't marry a deck hand. Not only does he accept, but he nearly insists that I run my ship through all kinds of uncharted waters and assumes my journey will change me in a myriad of ways. We both know where the harbor is but neither of us wants the other to spend life docked in stagnant water.
3. Your partner is capable of experiencing an entire array of emotions, many of which will have nothing to do with you. Not every emotion is a reflection of you or is something you have to fix. This is a biggie for women especially, but I see it in men as well. Your spouse is angry about work, you have to make them happy. Your partner is sad, you feel inadequate because you were sure you were the source of eternal happiness for them. You're partner doesn't like their career, you stay in one that you hate, too, until they get settled in something they enjoy.
One of the things I appreciate the most about my husband, and myself within this marriage, is that we really do understand that we have our own paths. We have both spent many years in the medical field and we are, by nature, participants in life, so we have seen many heartbreaking things. My husband works with disabled children, I worked with adults. When you agree to be present to life, fully present, you expose yourself to great pain and grief as well as joy. Seeing many people die over the years and being with people through dark days in their lives has brought home to each of us that, in the end, it is your own story you are writing. Love each other all you want, but all you really KNOW is that you will be there when you die. And maybe that's all. So, there is a fundamental loneliness to life, existentially speaking. Everyone you know today can be gone tomorrow. Look, we've all seen that happen in recent years in this country.
So, recognizing the truth of this enables Scott and I to have conversations, as fellow humans, about what the journey looks like from our respective paths. We can admit to each other that we are lonely sometimes without feeling like we are making a derogatory comment about our marriage. We can be frightened, or sad or grieving and allow each other that without feeling we have failed by not protecting each other from that experience. Being married doesn't mean that you can protect each other from life on its most rawly human level.
4. Respect each other's process. Not everyone copes with everything the same way you do. We all are impacted by life in different ways. What your partner does is not a reflection of you or on you. Here are a couple examples: I used to work in the same hospital with my husband though we never saw each other during the day. When work was over, I'd meet him at his office and we'd walk to the car together. Sort of. While I was wanting to walk with him and hear about his day, he would be racing 10 feet ahead of me. At first I took that personally (let's give it up for Don Miguel Ruiz!), but then I got my own ego out of the way and remembered that this man is running all day long all over the hospital while I was in one small suite. You can't just slam on the brakes! So, I allowed him that space to come down from his day and usually by the time we reached the car I had caught up with him and by the time we got home we were in sync. Had I made his process about ME, I would have been cranky, needy, demanding or some other version of annoying and then he'd have to fix me after a full day of work. That would just be creepy, and totally unnecessary.
On a few RARE occasions, I have seen my supremely kind and charming husband nearly pick a fight with beloved friends. I remember the first time this happened and I was mortified...he was debating on some taboo subject (you know, politics or religion) with a really mild-mannered 75 year old friend of ours. Now, I've been on the opposite side of Debate Boy a time or two myself and I have to say, it's intense! As a spouse, I felt apologetic...and wanted to distance myself from the situation. Again, my ego got in the way and part of me was concerned about the reflection of this on me. But then, I got a grip and realized that this man had been involved in a huge string of school conferences which were extremely contentious and he had to be the peacekeeper. So, of course, he had all this pressure built up that was about to make him explode. He needed a good old fashioned argument to decompress! So, once I got it, I laughed, let him go since our friend actually was keeping pace just fine. Even if our friend WAS offended in some way, which he wasn't in the least, it would have been between the friend and Scott to work it out. It wasn't about me. Narcissism is just never good for a marriage.
And NO, I have never done anything to make my husband wince, so we'll leave it at that.
Being committed to another doesn't mean you become the other. Lives combine but in healthy marriages they don't become absorbed one into the other. Celebrate each other. Embrace change. Encourage evolution. Remember where you end and they begin. In short, love each other as Other.
Laura Young is a personal development and business coach and collaborator for hire. To learn more about her, visit http://www.wellspringcoaching.com. To visit Laura's blog, Musings of an Ant Watcher, go to http://antwatching.blogspot.com
|
|
|
Should You Send Save The Date Notices To Your Guests?
You've probably heard about Save the Dates since they have become quite popular with brides but you might not know exactly what purpose they serve.People's live...(related: Marriage Wedding)
Marriage Counseling: How To Keep Jealousy From Destroying Your Marriage
Jealousy has often been called the "green-eyed monster," and with good reason. The "monster" ...(related: Marriage Wedding)
Love Connections - How Wonderful They Are
I've been noticing a few things lately that a few years back were not there.I've noticed that I worry about things back home more now when I'm away on business trips. I've noticed an increase in phone bills and electricity. I've noticed my time is no longer just my time. I've noticed I can't walk through my house in the da...(related: Marriage Wedding)
Writing Your Wedding Vows The Way Poets Do
Let's face it, not many of us have the kind of skills or experience to write truly poetic wedding vows. Or do we? Here's the truth: Even if you don't know Dylan Thomas from Bob Dylan, and you're pretty sure T.S. Elliot was that guy who wrote the words to Andrew Lloyd Weber's &quo...(related: Marriage Wedding)
How To Survive Your Honeymoon
Once you've mortgaged the rest of your life for the dress and the ceremony, made all sorts of promises in front of everyone you know and danced with your long-lost fifth cousin twice removed, you deserve a little time off to recuperate. It's called a honeymoon.Your honeymoon is that wonderful period of grace between the fantasy of your wedding and the reality of simply being an old married couple. It's a time for the two of you to get to know each other as well as two people who are going to spend the next couple of days alone with only each other for company can. But not so alone that you can't ring for room service when you n...(related: Marriage Wedding)
The Monogram Theme Wedding
Monograms are a huge trend in weddings, to the point where they feature strongly in some, and in others, provide the actual theme. And what's not to like about monograms? They're elegant, understated, versatile, and a dramatic visual reminder of your new life together.Ideas for including monogramsYou'll find them popping up in more and more places throughout the reception, and sometimes even prior to it. Here are some ways that brides include monograms:- embossed, stamped or printed bridal ...(related: Marriage Wedding)
The Pros & Cons Of Beach Weddings
Beach weddings are popular but they do present "special issues".Failing to consider these ahead of time could leave you unpleasantly surprised on your wedding day!There is certainly nothing that should dissuade you from your vision of a beautiful seaside ceremony. As a matter of fact, there are many benefits.Just know the issues and plan for them. Your wedding day will be a wonderful and joyous event!The "Pros"* A beach wedding can be much cheaper than a traditional wedding. Who in this day and a...(related: Marriage Wedding)
To Stay Married, Keep Dating
One of my favorite memories from last year was not watching my young daughters rip into their Christmas presents, or seeing them perform in the school ta...(related: Marriage Wedding)
Setting A Diamond - What To Know.
When it comes to placing your new diamond in a setting there are a couple of things to take into consideration.Number of Prongs ? How many prongs you get is up to you. The more prongs, the more secure the diamond will be. At the same time I don't feel that having only four prongs makes your diamond more likely to fall o...(related: Marriage Wedding)
Las Vegas Wedding Packages
One of the good things about Las Vegas Wedding Packages is that you can find a package to suit just about any budget. There are many wedding planning services in Las Vegas that specialize in creating a package for you no matter what your budget ? from the no frills drive-through to the lavish VIP treatment at a...(related: Marriage Wedding)
Wedding And Bridal Jewelry
So your not one of those fabulous actresses or models who has the luxury of the finest gems and diamonds being loaned to them by the likes of Harry Wintson.No matter, you can add a little sparkle and look extra-ordinaire in your gown on your wedding day. Here's some helpful tips on how to shine on your most important day!Faking It is Fine! It doesn't matter if you cannot afford to adorn yourself in diamonds and pearls. The quality of Faux diamonds, gems, and pearls is amazing.Gone are the days were anyone could tell real from fake. Only your gemologist will know real from fake. You can sparkle like a million dollar babe and you won't break the bank.The best way to choose earrings is to try them with your gown. The ...(related: Marriage Wedding)
Choosing A Wedding Photographer
The wedding day is the day that most women wait their whole lives for and it is such a special time. Because of the advancement of technology, it is now easy to always remember that day using video and photography. Choosing a wedding photographer is important to take pictures...(related: Marriage Wedding)
Diamond Engagement Ring, On Two Months Salary - Maybe Not!
Diamond spending - well, that is up to you. What to spend on a diamond is a tough and personal question. Two months' salary is a guideline.Chances are if you are looking for a diamond then you have heard that you should pa...(related: Marriage Wedding)
site-map - Copyright © 2006 | Contact Webmaster | Weddings & Honeymoons | All Rights Reserved. | Marriage Wedding